Fear of Drowning, figuratively and literally.

Usually they’re a little obvious and hyperbolic, such as rash decision making, excessive pride and even, naivite.  While these characteristics are a little cliche, they do encompass the general issues that many humans tend to face.  To say I’m flawless, a.k.a Beyonce Knowles Carter, would be a lie.  I’m not, and I likely never will be.  But I don’t think my flaws have one overarching trend among them.  I don’t think I have one fatal mistake in my DNA that will lead to my imminent doom.

With that being said, there is a fear of mine that encompasses my most obvious flaw.  I’m afraid of drowning.  More specifically, drowning in my own pool of indecision.  I like too many things, and, as a result, I’m afraid to commit myself fully to taking a risk in one thing I legitimately enjoy doing.  I’m  a stick of butter spread wafer thin over a whole loaf of bread because I’m too indecisive to plant myself on one opportune piece of toast.  To admit this flaw is to recognize this fear of mine.  While the only way I can resolve it is to commit myself fully to one thing, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with doing that anytime soon.  What is the effect of this indecision? That one’s a little harder to explain.  The reality is that my own unwillingness to take the risk of making sacrifices for one thing, can be translated to a multitude of things.  Right now, it’s only high school, and I am just trying to find my way.  But in the future, an unwillingness to make a sacrifice of one thing in the pursuit of another could prove detrimental.

People won’t have time to wait around for my indecision, and subconsciously they’ll expect me to make sacrifices for them.  And I’ll need to, and I’ll want to, but I may be afraid to.  Because, above all, I’m afraid of drowning.   In my tank of water, everything’s a little shallow.  I’m afraid of going to the deep end because I don’t know what’s out there.  I’m afraid of failing in a world where I could be doing something else I could succeed at.   That constant thought will always pester me.  Why do something challenging that I enjoy more, when I could do something easy that I enjoy less?  Because I’m afraid of drowning.  In truth, I’ll have to learn that success isn’t about meaningless gain, but meaningful struggle.  Despite the fact that I can pinpoint a means to resolve this issue, I probably never will.  When people ask me “what do you want to do when you grow up?”, I don’t pause because I’m young and stupid.  I pause because I’m afraid to admit or even recognize a decision.

In a poem I wrote in English last year (ENGLISH IS THE BEST TIME EVER), I discussed how I let other peoples’ thoughts influence my decisions.  While this may seem a little standard, I do believe this is my most inherent issue.  I’m a fish flopping on the shores of blind ambition because I’m afraid of going head first in the deep end.  What’s the result?  I dry out on land, while I listen to others’ advice about what I should do with my life.

All metaphors aside, I’m a little lost.  You’re probably rolling your eyes thinking that I’m just like everyone else in high school, but I promise, I’m too susceptible to being unambitious.  I don’t take risks; I’m a coward.  Welcome to me.  The outer appearance is drive and motivation, but on the inside I’m in a maze of streets without any road signs.

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13 thoughts on “Fear of Drowning, figuratively and literally.

  1. (comment continued from above… :P)
    Indecisiveness seems to be the biggest problem our current generation is facing, according to Elite Daily, and it may seem so to the older generation. I’d say it comes from our growing up, our realizing that every decision we make now has the potential to harm or help us later on in life. I suppose we’re still used to being guided, and this newfound sense of adulthood is scaring us a bit. Perhaps another reason may be our need to fit in, to not be judged by society for a wrong move, leading to our hesitation in making decisions. But girl, you’re not the only.
    “I’m just a girl, trying to find a place in this world.”
    ~Taylor Swift
    But like I said above, we’re all lost, and that’s why we have each other. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish I could suggest how you can overcome this situation. However, I might be able to contribute some to your predicament: I am frequently asked what I want to do when I grow up (as if sixteen-year-old me is qualified to answer that), and I kindly respond by explaining that I want to keep as many options for myself open as possible. I, too, have a lot of things I am involved in that I care deeply about, and I cannot see justifying the removal of any of those from my life. Now, a day will come that they will not be there anymore, or that I will have to definitively chart my course, but for now, I am seeking refuge in my indecision. I know what you’re going through, and I wish I had a stronger answer. However, you have to trust yourself to make those decisions when the time comes, because, after all, you’ve got your whole life ahead of you.

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  4. Same. I can’t decide what I want to do with my life, and I feel that the more I learn, the more it becomes this way. You put it so eloquently though. And your slam poem in English last year=Bae. I’m pretty confident that even though you’re lost, we are all at least a little bit. And I’m p confident that you’re smart enough to do whatever the maze leads you to. Very few people have their life truly planned out, I know that from my family’s experience (at least my sister’s and my brother’s, and I think you at least know my sister’s story). I’m sure you’ll find your way through the maze, after all, you’re… a-maze-ing. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Maybe the puniness is a flaw after all. Anyway, any way you go, I’m sure you’ll succeed, and be happy (I’m sure you’ll be able to do something that makes you happy). As for risk taking, I’m not v strong in that suit either. Like, I almost thought of not submitting this comment, but whatever. But at least we all have each other to help each other through this crazy maze.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m sensing a common trend.Like all of you, I too am daunted by the infinite possibilities that the future holds. On the surface, it’s easy to justify to ourselves that we are only teenagers, but in all reality, between now and 25 or so (a mere 8 years span), we will make the decisions that will largely make or break us. This indecision causes me to ask, “am I doing all I need to do?” and if I make a mistake or get lazy, “will this hinder my progression?”
      But all this doubt ultimately serves to only tarnish ones mental and emotional capacity. I, like you, probably ought to stop worrying so much. We’re all very capable people. And lastly, we are not alone. Keep up the good work, and doubt your doubts first. Nice post and comments btw

      Liked by 1 person

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  6. I’m kind of the same way, but reversed (if that makes any sense). I tend to jump into things head first, and then wonder if I made the right choice in retrospect. Sometimes I’ll sit around thinking about conversations I had days, weeks, or months ago and wonder if I could have made something better out of them. It’s the same way with schoolwork. I’ll just do things the way I feel like and then just tear myself apart inside afterwards wondering if I could have been better.

    Judging by the other comments here, you’re not alone by any means in this struggle. Stay strong and believe in yourself! 🙂

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  8. I think this is something people out age constantly struggle with. The world is full of infinite possibilities and infinitely more opinions on what we should choose to do. A lot of times I can’t help but feel like there’s really no choice, we are set on the course our parents have put us on to graduate high school, go to college, and obtain a well-paying, respectable job. But if we’re honest with ourselves, these careers often aren’t things that will truly fulfill our inner passions. Personally, I used to go to great lengths to do what people, especially parents and family, have expected me to do. A few years ago however, I decided that’s not what I wanted to do anymore; I was in no way making myself truly happy. I’ve begun doing things for myself, and shocking every one. And I couldn’t be happier. I’m not going to apply to the college all ofmy family went to. I’m not going to go into the career that everyone has thought I would my whole life.
    So long story short, if there’s any advice I could give you, it’s throw caution to the wind and find your deepest desire and run with it. There’s always chances to go another direction if things don’t work out. But don’t work yourself up over making a definitive decision, I promise you can’t screw things up too badly 🙂

    Like

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