Usually they’re a little obvious and hyperbolic, such as rash decision making, excessive pride and even, naivite. While these characteristics are a little cliche, they do encompass the general issues that many humans tend to face. To say I’m flawless, a.k.a Beyonce Knowles Carter, would be a lie. I’m not, and I likely never will be. But I don’t think my flaws have one overarching trend among them. I don’t think I have one fatal mistake in my DNA that will lead to my imminent doom.
With that being said, there is a fear of mine that encompasses my most obvious flaw. I’m afraid of drowning. More specifically, drowning in my own pool of indecision. I like too many things, and, as a result, I’m afraid to commit myself fully to taking a risk in one thing I legitimately enjoy doing. I’m a stick of butter spread wafer thin over a whole loaf of bread because I’m too indecisive to plant myself on one opportune piece of toast. To admit this flaw is to recognize this fear of mine. While the only way I can resolve it is to commit myself fully to one thing, I’m not sure I’m comfortable with doing that anytime soon. What is the effect of this indecision? That one’s a little harder to explain. The reality is that my own unwillingness to take the risk of making sacrifices for one thing, can be translated to a multitude of things. Right now, it’s only high school, and I am just trying to find my way. But in the future, an unwillingness to make a sacrifice of one thing in the pursuit of another could prove detrimental.
People won’t have time to wait around for my indecision, and subconsciously they’ll expect me to make sacrifices for them. And I’ll need to, and I’ll want to, but I may be afraid to. Because, above all, I’m afraid of drowning. In my tank of water, everything’s a little shallow. I’m afraid of going to the deep end because I don’t know what’s out there. I’m afraid of failing in a world where I could be doing something else I could succeed at. That constant thought will always pester me. Why do something challenging that I enjoy more, when I could do something easy that I enjoy less? Because I’m afraid of drowning. In truth, I’ll have to learn that success isn’t about meaningless gain, but meaningful struggle. Despite the fact that I can pinpoint a means to resolve this issue, I probably never will. When people ask me “what do you want to do when you grow up?”, I don’t pause because I’m young and stupid. I pause because I’m afraid to admit or even recognize a decision.
In a poem I wrote in English last year (ENGLISH IS THE BEST TIME EVER), I discussed how I let other peoples’ thoughts influence my decisions. While this may seem a little standard, I do believe this is my most inherent issue. I’m a fish flopping on the shores of blind ambition because I’m afraid of going head first in the deep end. What’s the result? I dry out on land, while I listen to others’ advice about what I should do with my life.
All metaphors aside, I’m a little lost. You’re probably rolling your eyes thinking that I’m just like everyone else in high school, but I promise, I’m too susceptible to being unambitious. I don’t take risks; I’m a coward. Welcome to me. The outer appearance is drive and motivation, but on the inside I’m in a maze of streets without any road signs.